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Imposter

i stare at the face in the mirror 
and feel out of place 
am i lost? 
or am i an imposter? 
feelings like this aren’t new but the unease is just as cruel 
i don’t know how to escape the confinement that is my very mind how do i turn these thoughts that tear me down into building blocks? how do i express these feelings without looking like a weakling or validation  seeking? 
you see, i am just a being 
trapped in a system of affliction 
that forces me to be a walking contradiction 
my simple existence is a complex act of resistance 
and my persistence fuels the fire of our desire to build an empire one- for the ancestors; those who walked these lands before us, planted seeds for us  to water, nourish and protect 
and two- for the descendants, seven generations that will reap what we sow

​today - i am no imposter

Little Native Girl

I refuse to allow the energy of desire
to dictate my life any longer.

Ever since I was a little girl,
I have craved a life of abundance.

Now in womanhood, I realize that the Little Native girl in the big city
didn’t crave a life of abundance- for her life was already at full of it.

Looking back, what that Little Native girl desired
Was a life of normal.

A life where she had a father
and her mother wasn’t torn apart by his betrayal.

A life where she knew security and belonging;
and that it comes from within.

Looking in the rearview, that Little Native girl needed a village of aunties, uncles,
and grandparents to help raise her.

Now in womanhood, I realize that I am the Little Native girl in the big city
and it is my responsibility to love and nurture her.

​It is my responsibility to see past desire and use energy from the divine feminine to
manifest security & belonging
and give it to the Little Native girl within.
- we have everything we need to be free & succeed

one day;
one foot in front of the other
i will walk into the bering sea

inch by inch
the salty water will
cleanse my naked body,
calm my relentless mind,
and revitalize my weary spirit

the sacred water will
caress my shivering skin,
drown out my hostile thoughts,
and home my lost soul

before i surface for air,
i will hear the voices of my mother,
my grandmother and grandfather,
our ancestors,
and the animal relatives
my mother will weep guidance,
my grandparents will laugh medicine,
our ancestors will chant wisdom,
and the animal relatives will call creation

together,
they harmonize and
become song

before joining,
I will open my heart
to listen,
to understand,
and to revive
when i am ready
to gasp for life,
i will rise out of the sea
and cry a melody

my body will move and synchronize with this song of healing

i will dance this song,
i will dance to the land,
then i will dance until i meet the tundra

when i reach my mossy bed,
i will catch my breath,
lie down,
and rest till dawn

i will rise with the sun
full of light,
full of warmth,
full of vitality

i will still carry the burdens of
grief,
pain,
and righteous anger
only then,
​i will walk as a new woman
- water transforms

The trauma I carry

Water transforms

The trauma I carry is not only from my experience in this lifetime;
The trauma I carry is the trauma of my ancestors, 
The trauma of the Land, 
The trauma of the Sea 

The trauma I carry is the identity stripped from my great grandmothers and  grandfathers; 
Their language, 
Their beliefs, 
​Their ways of life 

The trauma I carry is the attempt to assimilate my grandmothers and grandfathers;
The christianity inflicted upon them; 
The boarding schools hundreds of miles away from their sacred lands, The promise of a better life 

The trauma I carry is the abuse tolerated by my father; 
The abuse of teachers when he spoke his mother tongue, 
The abuse of his alcoholic father, 
The alcohol he abuses 

The trauma I carry is the expectations weighed on my mother; 
The expectation of her to walk in two entirely different worlds, 
The expectation to establish herself as a Native woman- to find a husband & raise a  Christian family, 
The expectation to give her children a better life 

The trauma I carry is my mother’s; 
Her best years spent feeling unworthy because she was a single mother of two;
Her depression and alcoholism I never understood; 
Her lost battle against cancer 

The trauma I carry is the violence done to the Land;
The rape for oil valued by this capitalistic society, 
The destruction of forests an entire ecosystems for the colonizer to enjoy,
The anthropogenic pollution that never ends 

The trauma I carry is the pollution of the Sea; 
The plastic that will never degrade, 
The oil spills that infect the animals relatives that provide us sustenance,
The rising temperatures that endanger the species we still have yet to discover 

The trauma I carry is horrendous; 
It is ruthless, 
Complex, 
But most of all it is heavy 

The trauma I carry is not burdensome; 
I carry it with strength and resilience, 
I carry it with grace, 
I carry it so my children and grandchildren will not have to
- cycle breaker